Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny!
Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.