A friend is someone who knows where all your bodies are buried. Because they’re the ones who helped you put them there.”And sometimes, if you’re really lucky, they help you dig them back up.
Even the ugliest person’s cellulite is more attractive than the most beautiful supermodel’s lower intestine.’ I’d put that on a T-shirt but probably Mark Twain already said it.
No. I can’t have sex with you today because there aren’t enough spoons.
Brains are like toddlers. They are wonderful and should be treasured, but that doesn’t mean you should trust them to take care of you in an avalanche or process serotonin effectively.
Brains are like toddlers. They are wonderful and should be treasured, but that doesn’t mean you should trust them to take care of you in an avalanche or process serotonin effectively.
I am furiously happy. It’s not a cure for mental illness…it’s a weapon, designed to counter it. It’s a way to take back some of the joy that’s robbed from you when you’re crazy.
I can tell you that “Just cheer up” is almost universally looked at as the most unhelpful depression cure ever. It’s pretty much the equivalent of telling someone who just had their legs amputated to “just walk it off.
Even when everything’s going your way you can still be sad. Or anxious. Or uncomfortably numb. Because you can’t always control your brain or your emotions even when things are perfect.
Have you ever been homesick for someplace that doesn’tactually exist anymore? Someplace that exists only in yourmind?
Or the woman in front of me in the security line who asked if they would put her cat, Dave, through the luggage X-ray machine because she wanted to see if he’d eaten a necklace.
Which sort of shows why my body is an idiot, because forced narcolepsy is pretty much the worst defense ever.
It was nice to call my parents and proudly tell them, “My lady garden is going viral.” In hindsight, that may have been a poor choice of phrasing.
Australia is filled with roundabouts and everyone drives on the wrong side of the road. In the end we decided to split up the work and I feverishly watched the GPS and yelled, “Left! Right! ROUNDABOUT!
It’s okay to keep a broken oven in your yard as long as you call it art.
Lady, you have the wrong number. Our cat isn’t even in the hospital. He doesn’t want pajamas.
Refrigerators are good for keeping homemade moonshine less gross. Freezers are good for keeping rattlesnakes less angry. Garages are good to hide in when your wife finds either.