After this whole acting thing is over and done, you eventually have to be human. Some people are never human. It’s very weird.
If you ever start taking things too seriously, just remember that we are talking monkeys on an organic spaceship flying through the universe.
To me, comedy is a great occupation because I don’t really worry that much about what other people think of me.
When someone comes along and expresses him or herself as freely as they think, people flock to it. They enjoy it.
I don’t care if you’re gay, black, Chinese, straight. That means nothing to me. It’s all an illusion.
Your body’s really only meant to compete at the highest levels of combat sports for a few years.
I never in my wildest imagination dreamed that I would somehow become a sports commentator.
I really feel like it’s a travesty to make a child famous. I really do.
Faith itself is a horrible mechanism that stunts the growth of ideas. It also stunts the act of questioning, and it does this by pushing the idea that you have to have faith – and that nothing has to be proven.
Never stay in a bad marriage, and don’t hang around with psycho coke fiends.
That’s my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.
It’s painful for me to watch someone who isn’t funny. It’s horrifying to sit in the back and watch some guy who just totally sucks.
If you can lie, you can act, and if you can lie to crazy girlfriends, you can act under pressure.
I had a great time on News Radio, I got to make tons of money in relative obscurity and learn a lot about the TV biz and work on my standup act constantly. It was a dream gig.
The only time I commit to conspiracy theories is when something way retarded happens. Like Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone.