Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.
Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?
They’re so broke that they’ve actually cut essential services. In many places, they’ve cut policemen, because, who the fuck needs them? Or firemen, son of a bitch, it’s much more fun watching something burn down.
It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got saran wrap – FIX IT!!!
My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty.
And I know this happens because I took economics, and I’d explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o’clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.
All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew.
I continue to work on plays, but I’ve always felt that you could put a note in a bottle and send it offshore, and you’d have as much chance communicating with people.
When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn’t be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.’
There’s no such thing as soy milk. It’s soy juice.
All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.
This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That’s my big scar story. I really have no major scars.
One of the interesting things about comedy is it’s tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger.