You want to change? Lose the bitch. Be nicer to people. Stop telling them to “bite you” and threatening to kick them until they’re dead.
I don’t care how happily married you are or how deeply enmeshed you are with your children and family and career — every woman needs a couple of chicks who’ll break out the sangria just because you need to vent.
When she gets rattled, the South really comes out. Once when Daddy tried to cancel our country club membership because he said the dues were too high, she went from zero to Atlanta burning in zero point five seconds.
I never sleep on the plane. I have to be awake and using my mind power to keep it in the air
Maybe I’ve moved to the dark side, but it’s clean and nice and we never run out of toilet paper.
You know what? We need a recession in this country, because that would finaly weed out al the subnormal, underdeveloped, stupefied, puerile people in this workforce.
Owning a dog is slightly less expensive than being addicted to crack.
I’m a humor writer, so I don’t always present myself in the best light.
Humor’s an excellent way to make a point more palatable and/or relatable.
Remember when Japan was cool? We used to run around with ‘Mr. Roboto’ on our Walkmans, ‘The Karate Kid’ in our Betamaxes and wore T-shirts embossed with the characters for ‘storm sewer’ and ‘dishwasher.’
When it comes to matters of pro sports, politics or palate, disparate sides claim their party, team and cola to be superior.
I’ve always been able to cook Italian food. That’s in my blood because I’m half Sicilian.
There’s nothing fun about stuff like estate planning, getting mammograms, or talking to a guy about long term disability insurance, but do it anyway. Trust me, the stress of not having done the above is prematurely aging.