Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people that they don’t like.
Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that’s an alibi for my ignorance.
Do the best you can, and don’t take life too serious.
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
You know, everybody’s ignorant, just on different subjects.
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
If you want to be successful, it’s just this simple. Know what you are doing. Love what you are doing. And believe in what you are doing.
Even if you are on the right track, but just sit there, you will still get run over.
you can’t say civilization dont advance, in every war they kill you in a new way
The more you read and observe about this Politics thing,you got to admit that each party is worse than the other.The one that’s out always looks the best
The short memories of the American voters is what keeps our politicians in office.
If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of Congress?
The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.
There are men running governments who shouldn’t be allowed to play with matches.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your back pocket.
There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by readin’. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
Everybody is ignorant, Just on different subjects.
An ignorant person is one who doesn’t know what you have just found out.
Lord, the money we do spend on Government and it’s not one bit better than the government we got for one-third the money twenty years ago.
The minute you read something that you can’t understand, you can almost be sure that it was drawn up by a lawyer.
If stupidity got us in this mess, how come it can’t get us out.
If stupidity got us into this, why can’t stupidity get us out?
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Even if you’re on the right track you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
A holding company is the people you give your money to while you’re being searched.
Don’t gamble take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up then sell it. If it don’t go up don’t buy it.
The schools ain’t what they used to be and never was.
There is nothing so stupid as an educated man if you get off the thing that he was educated in.
Even if you’re on the right track you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.
There ain’t nothing but one thing wrong with every one of us and that’s selfishness.
Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth.
This thing of being a hero about the main thing to it is to know when to die.
Diplomacy is the art of saying “nice doggie” until you can find a rock.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
We are all here for a spell get all the good laughs you can.
Everybody is ignorant only on different subjects.
It isn’t what we don’t know that gives us trouble it’s what we know that ain’t so.
The only thing that can stop hair from falling … is the floor.
To make money buy some good stock hold it until it goes up and then sell it. If it doesn’t go up don’t buy it.
A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.
I’m not a member of any organized party I’m a Democrat.
More men have been elected between Sundown and Sunup than ever were elected between Sunup and Sundown.
If you ever injected truth into politics you would have no politics.
The more you read about politics the more you got to admit that each party is worse than the other.
Politics has got so expensive that it takes lots of money to even get beat with.
The Republicans have their splits right after election and Democrats have theirs just before an election.
One revolution is like one cocktail it just gets you organized for the next.
We can’t all be heroes because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
The schools ain’t what they used to be and never was.
The schools ain’t what they used to be and never was.
The schools ain’t what they used to be and never was.
The schools ain’t what they used to be and never was.
The schools ain’t what they used to be and never was.
The schools ain’t what they used to be and never was.
The schools ain’t what they used to be and never was.
The schools ain’t what they used to be and never was.
We can’t all be heroes because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
We can’t all be heroes because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level you don’t know when it’s through if you are a crook or a martyr.
When you put down the good things you ought to have done and leave out the bad things you did do – well that’s memoirs.
Rumor travels faster, but it don’t stay put as long as truth.
It’s not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts.
An economist’s guess is liable to be as good as anybody else’s.
We don’t seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?
If you can build a business up big enough, it’s respectable.
Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.
Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it… You take diplomacy out of war, and the thing would fall flat in a week.
You can’t say civilization don’t advance… in every war they kill you in a new way.
Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.
I have a scheme for stopping war. It’s this – no nation is allowed to enter a war till they have paid for the last one.
I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.
The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.
We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.
The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, ‘How is the president?’
There is no more independence in politics than there is in jail.
A man only learns in two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter people.
Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.
Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.
The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don’t let it get the best of you.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.
Don’t gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don’t go up, don’t buy it.
If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics.
A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.
The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.
I’m not a real movie star. I’ve still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
There’s only one thing that can kill the movies, and that’s education.
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have for something they don’t need.
Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie’ until you can find a rock.
I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
The more you observe politics, the more you’ve got to admit that each party is worse than the other.
Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated.
Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what’s going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate?
Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven’t had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln.
If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep.
Things in our country run in spite of government, not by aid of it.
It’s easy being a humorist when you’ve got the whole government working for you.
On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.
There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
It’s a good thing we don’t get all the government we pay for.
This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.
Too many people spend money they haven’t earned to buy things they don’t want to impress people they don’t like.
If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn’t have to advertise them.
Let advertisers spend the same amount of money improving their product that they do on advertising and they wouldn’t have to advertise it.
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That’s one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living.
America is becoming so educated that ignorance will be a novelty. I will belong to the select few.
Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
You’ve got to go out on a limb sometimes because that’s where the fruit is.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.