Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.
You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.
Honey! Bring down a copy of my will – and an eraser!
To you, I’m an atheist.To God, I’m the loyal opposition.
I just can’t listen to any more Wagner, you know…I’m starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he’d never stop throwing up.
I hate reality but it’s still the best place to get a good steak.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?
Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in my bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.
If it turns out that there is a God…the worst that you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever.
Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.
If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.
The artist’s job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.
Death doesn’t really worry me that much, I’m not frightened about it… I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
It’s a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.
If Jesus came back and saw what was going on in his name, he’d never stop throwing-up.
There’s nothing like the discovery of an unknown work by a great thinker to set the intellectual community atwitter and cause academics to dart about like those things one sees when looking at a drop of water under a microscope.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.
I love nature, I just don’t want to get any of it on me.
I believe people ought to mate for life…like pigeons or Catholics.
The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.
I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
Having sex is like bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
You know how you’re always trying to get things to come out perfect in art because it’s real difficult in life
One must have one’s delusions to live. If you look at life too honestly and clearly, life becomes unbearable because it’s a pretty grim enterprise, you will admit.
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: Frequently there must be a beverage.
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better, [Cloquet thought,] while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
I like the rain. It washes memories off the sidewalk of life.
Just don’t take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.
Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat…college,
Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: “At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You’d be surprised how effective it can be.
When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates.
Some guy hit my fender the other day and I said unto him “Be fruitful and multiply.” But not in those words.
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to a hundred.
I’m at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me I’m profoundly grateful to her.
I’m not the heroic type really. I was beaten up by Quakers.
I feel about New York as a child whose father is a bank robber. Not perfect but I still love him.
I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it.
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
If you’re not failing you’re not trying anything.
The best thing to do is to behave in a manner befitting one’s age. If you are sixteen and under try not to go bald.
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have instead of what you don’t have.
How to make God laugh. Tell him your future plans.
The worst that you can say about him (God) is that basically he’s an underachiever.
You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.
You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.
You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.
You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.
You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.
You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.
You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.
You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work I want to achieve it through not dying.
Life doesn’t imitate art it imitates bad television.
I do not believe in an afterlife although I am bringing a change of underwear.
I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
If I had my life to live over I wish I could be a great pianist or something.
I am going to give my psychoanalyst one more year then I’m going to Lourdes.
If only God would give me a clear sign like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.
If I could only see one miracle just one miracle. Like a burning bush or the seas part or my uncle Sasha pick up a check.
If there is reincarnation I’d like to come back as Warren Beatty’s fingertips.
I don’t believe in God. Just try getting a plumber on the weekend.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
I’m not afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .
I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.
If my films don’t show a profit, I know I’m doing something right.
Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.
Right now it’s only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.