Most people who have grown up introverted in this very extroverted culture of ours have had painful experiences of feeling like they are out of step with what’s expected of them. Parenting can pose unique challenges for introverted parents, who fear that their own painful experiences will be repeated in their children’s lives.
Sociologists well understand that chaos at home causes violent behavior, educational failure and social alienation among children. Yet, many of us in America stay far, far away from this topic. That in itself is a national scandal. Bad parenting is gravely harming this nation.
I’m not the first to admit that raising a child in Park Slope, Brooklyn, can bear an embarrassing resemblance to the TV show ‘Portlandia.’ My wife and I try to have some ironic distance from the culture of organic, chemical-free parenting, but we’re often participants.
The science can tell you that the thousands of pseudo-scientific parenting books out there – not to mention the ‘Baby Einstein’ DVDs and the flash cards and the brain-boosting toys – won’t do a thing to make your baby smarter. That’s largely because babies are already as smart as they can be; smarter than we are in some ways.
A parentologist is a person who writes a book about parenting that is very clear about answers to, ‘How am I supposed to raise my child?’ Some of these well-intentioned people may be a bit too sure-footed on the sometimes slippery slope of parenting.
My guess is that good and bad parenting is spread fairly evenly across different social groups. But can you imagine Tony Blair lecturing the middle class on how to bring up their children? He is far more comfortable as a latter-day exponent of the Poor Law mentality.
In my experience (I am the lone father of an eight-year-old boy who lost his mother when he was one year old), parenting is the most difficult of all jobs: forget your chief executives, editors, prime ministers and the like – parenting is far more challenging.
To me, Slow parenting is about bringing balance into the home. Children need to strive and struggle and stretch themselves, but that does not mean childhood should be a race. Slow parents give their children plenty of time and space to explore the world on their own terms.
I told my kids when they were little, ‘Look, kids, your mother and I are screwing you up somehow. We don’t understand how, or we wouldn’t do it. But we’re parents. So somehow we’re damaging you, and I want you to know that early. So just ignore me when I go to that part of my parenting.’
No work-family balance will ever fully take hold if the social conditions that might make it possible – men who are willing to share parenting and housework, communities that value work in the home as highly as work on the job, and policymakers and elected officials who are prepared to demand family-friendly reforms – remain out of reach.
People who choose not to have kids do so because they respect the job of parenting so much that they know not to take it on if they know it’s not something that they’re up for, and I don’t know what to be a bigger tribute to parenting than that.
You learn that there’s no right way to do it, no wrong way to do it. It’s just what you feel comfortable with, to trust that, and don’t let anybody box you in to a certain style of parenting or make you feel a certain way about what your kids do.
A lot of kids have parents who say, ‘Music is hard; maybe you should come up with a Plan B.’ Whenever I hear that kind of ‘advice,’ I think it’s bad parenting. I was lucky to have a parent who assured me it was a possibility to pursue music.
Thing is, I went to a born-again Christian high school, was brought up in a traditional Mormon family where these ideas about parenting are of structure and sacrifice. To think outside of that idea of family and parenting that I’ve grown up with is tough but also very freeing.
Parenting is not just about you and your kid; it’s also about whomever you’re parenting your child with. So there is a kind of ‘awareness’ involved for everybody. It’s all about the way you interact with your child and participate in your child’s life.
Asian American success is often presented as something of a horror – robotic, unfeeling machines psychotically hellbent on excelling, products of abusive tiger parenting who care only about test scores and perfection, driven to succeed without even knowing why.
My parenting heroes are the Obamas! They’ve been married for so long, and it looks like they’re having fun, and their kids are down to earth, well-adjusted, and smart. They seem to have a strong family unit that I would like to emulate in my life.
Launching a kid into college is about more than having the money to pay for it. Parents invest so much of their time and identities in the process that it can feel like a part time job. For many parents, the college your child ends up attending becomes a parenting grade.
Deciding together to have a child and sharing in child-rearing do not immunize a marriage. Indeed, collaborative couples can face other problems. They often embark on such an intense style of parenting that they end up paying less attention to each other.
We Anglophones have reasons for adopting strange diets. Increasingly, we live alone. We have an unprecedented choice of foods, and we’re not sure what’s in them or whether they’re good for us. And we expect to customize practically everything: parenting, news, medicines, even our own faces.
People always want to give you advice about parenting. People who you’ve never met before will tell you you’re doing something wrong. And it’s quite similar in writing. People forget that you’re a human; they just want to give you their advice.
I don’t want to believe it – that parenting itself makes art hard, that you must always sacrifice one for the other, that there is something inherently selfish and greedy and darkly obsessive in the desire to care as much about the thing you are writing or making as you do about the other humans in your life. What parent would want to believe this?
The desire to keep television out of our son’s life was one of the few parenting priorities my husband and I agreed on from the beginning. We debated the pros and cons of co-sleeping, of pacifiers, of chemical-free crib mattresses and baby sign language. The television question, on the other hand, was a no-brainer.
Your skills may not be anything out of the ordinary, but you can do miraculous things with what you’ve got. Maybe it’s your parenting skills, or your compassion. It may be your curiosity, your imagination or unique style of fashion. Even if it seems to be no big deal, the lesson here is we all have unique abilities and talents.
In the past, I have been guilty of returning from work with some parenting words of wisdom, ignoring the fact that my wife has been dealing with the situation for a while. The correct strategy at these times is to wind my mansplaining neck in.
I went to my local Sure Start centre, and they put me on a parenting course. I learned things that might seem simple – that it was important to hug and love your child, and read to them. This might seem obvious, but it wasn’t to me at the time.
